Sometimes, I dream that I'm on a cruise ship heading to Mexico, or Hawaii, or somewhere sunny and tropical. Back in 2008 I took a cruise to Mexico for my honeymoon, so the cruise in my dream usually starts out similar to what the first time on the real ship was like. Full of excitement and wonder. But soon...my dream takes a turn for the worse. I find myself wandering from level to level, looking for my room so I can change into my bathing suit. All I can think about is how much I want to get to the beach. The thought of being able to sit on the warm sand and bask in the sun and frolic in the warm tropical water is all I can focus on. But I'm thwarted at every turn. The stairs going up or down to my cabin, are blocked. The elevators are broken. My room key won't work. I can't find the front desk to give me a new key. The ship won't dock. The line to get off the ship is so long, it's too late and I have to turn around. Sometimes I can see the beach. Out in the distance, full of people and laughter and warmth. I wander around aimlessly, trying to cry but the tears won't fall. My heart is broken. I keep thinking, "I'm wasting my time. My vacation is almost over and I'm never going to make it to the beach." Then I wake up, feeling frustrated and extremely sad.
Sometimes I dream I'm already in Hawaii. The beach is RIGHT outside my hotel room. I can see it from the window. Beach balls, large umbrellas, towels, sun bathers, beach volleyball. All of it is just outside. All I have to do is walk out there. But yet again...I can't. I forgot my bathing suit so I have nothing to wear. Sometimes I'm too sick, or too tired. Sometimes I open the door and walk toward the beach but the beach never gets any closer. I keep walking and walking but never feel the sand on my feet. All I can think is, "I'm wasting my time. My vacation is almost over and I'm never going to make it to the beach." And, just like before, I wake up feeling frustrated, tired and sad.
The frequency of the dreams when they first began was once a month. Then they increased to a couple of times a month. But in the last two months, I've had a "beach dream" at least once a week. And then twice a week. And this week...I've had my beach dream three nights in a row.
It's becoming so unsettling that I'm actually slightly scared to go to bed. I don't want to dream this anymore.
I think I know what this dream is about. Obviously there's some part of my life that I feel like I'm never able to finish. I get that. I'm pretty sure the "thing" is my job. It's the kind of work that never ends. It's never complete. I finish one thing only to have to turn around and do it again. It's the nature of my job. I can't change that. And, I'm not in a position to change jobs. So, how do I make these dreams stop? I just want to be free from the weight of the elusive beach.
